*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
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They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.