When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
You Might Also Like
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My body language is more audible than visual.
“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Sorry I said your baby looks like the anti-Christ.
I meant to say she looks like her mother.
Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!