*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

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When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.


“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”


NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese


“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”


FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT


Sorry I said your baby looks like the anti-Christ.

I meant to say she looks like her mother.


Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.


When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.