Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.
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I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Reward me for consistency please
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Husband: She takes everything, literally
T: What do you mean?
*Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I’m stealing*
Me: It’s not illegal to be rude to cops.
Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect?
Me: That’s why we don’t make bears cops.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.