Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Something Saturday.