@sixfootcandy

(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.

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@TravLeBlanc

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

@MichaelTrying

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

@Twtercide

*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious

@robwhisman

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

@dumbbeezie

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

@YourMomsucksTho

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

@joeheenan

They should tie loads of balloons to the stuck tanker like in UP

@AndrewChamings

[having sex] this is the best sex I’ve ever had

her: ok let’s take your bike helmet off tho