(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.

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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.


“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic


*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious


a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables


People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie


If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something


They should tie loads of balloons to the stuck tanker like in UP


[having sex] this is the best sex I’ve ever had

her: ok let’s take your bike helmet off tho