*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
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Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
this is the greatest thing ever
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”