@mortimermaiden

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

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@AuthorGaylord

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

@JohnHilsen

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

@therepoguy

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

@birbigs

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

@DaddyJew

Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I’d love it if you’d hold my baby.

@NikiWithIssues

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@mdob11

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

@TheToddWilliams

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

@marknorm

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.