*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
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Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down