@thatUPSdude

[breaks into your house]

[steals your shoes]

[walks a mile in them]

[judges you]

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@OBiiieeee

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

@jwoodham

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

@TheDjinnTrials

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

@pena_core

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

@Book_Krazy

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

@mrjohndarby

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

@U_Want_Shum_M8

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

@RobTemple101

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

@okslutty

Girls be like “i can fix him” okay bob the builder relax