Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
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Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
🤣🤣🤣
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.