my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[breaks into your house]
[steals your shoes]
[walks a mile in them]
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Girls be like “i can fix him” okay bob the builder relax