Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
You Might Also Like
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.