@chrisanna4real

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

@TheRealPalMal

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

@WilliamAder

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

@secondofhername

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

@chuuew

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

@Sadieisonfire

I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me

@MyPolishFace

hey Liam Neeson is your “particular set of skills” gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?