Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

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Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.


How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?


Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?


The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*


As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.


I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me


hey Liam Neeson is your “particular set of skills” gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?