Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

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Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.


This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads


To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce


Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.



I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.


The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!


TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.


Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?


Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free


*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card