Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.
Her: We’re just different
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
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This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce
Fitness level: Just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for my beer.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card