[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Guys, I found it.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them