Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me :
All Day At Night
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”