@TheToddWilliams

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

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@Lisabug74

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

@chetprtr

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

@trojansauce

[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries
ME: see?

@FredTaming

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

@GASmithIV

Like Rachel Dolezal, I too have been pretending to be something I’m not. For years, I’ve pretended to be white, when I’m actually a ladder.

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.