Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it