COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
You Might Also Like
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Nice try, NASA
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!