Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.