My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
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If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
January has been Januweary
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing