*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
You Might Also Like
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.