*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
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Hard not to take this personally
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Not helping
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay