* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
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Seems kinda suspicious
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants