Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.