@Jade_VK

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

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@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

@Lpbinder

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

@ThaJawn

Batman: I told you, if it’s mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang..

Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes

@hunz74

Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.

@leshnevsky

If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.

@weinerdog4life

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

@sofarrsogud

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.