Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph


People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.


Batman: I told you, if it’s mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang..

Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes


Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.


If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.


Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts


Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?



*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*


Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.