Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.


My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”


Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet


Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.


[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you


Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”


if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn’t do it too because cats can land on their feet they’ll be fine


party at my place – b.y.o.b. (bring your own biocontainment)