BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
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My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!