Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”