Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

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Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.


If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.




Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.


Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names


Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache


He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.


Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.


If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending


If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”