‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Still my favourite meme.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.