I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
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If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok