Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.