@varoon_singh
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
@MrTimothyClark
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
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@varoon_singh
@DowntownFunk_
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
@anerdonfire2
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
@salamingia
A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.
@POTerritory
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
@sirivan
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
@UnFitz
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
@TheTweetOfGod
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
@wolfpupy
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
@TribalSpaceCat
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are