@MrTimothyClark

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

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@PanicRestroom

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

@NicholasPegg

Retweet if you are using Snapchat’s new Snap Map location feature to hunt down straight men and turn them gay.

@donni

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

@Jason_maybe

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

@hyperseas

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

@shutupmikeginn

It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”

@tuckerflodman

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

@Home_Halfway

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

@awordforaword

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?