*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.