*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

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Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas.


instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me


At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead


Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.


“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”


What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.


Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??

Me: Beats me

*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed


Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan