*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
so i’m at the stock market right
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
For anyone who needs this today
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.