BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
“TGIM!” – My liver
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
did it work