Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.