@Chumpstring

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

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@pleatedjeans

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

@wolfpupy

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

@RodLacroix

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Man, it was cold last night!

Me: I had my heat on.

CW: I meant outside.

Me: I don’t live outside.

CW…

@CaptPinkbeard

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

@RadWizzy

“bob is coming over for dinner”

“bob from work or bob who likes having sex with doors?”

(loud banging on the front door)

@UnfilteredMama

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

@Donna_McCoy

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

@nbadag

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

@Bob_Janke

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him