BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

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[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!


ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about


I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”


Coworker: Man, it was cold last night!

Me: I had my heat on.

CW: I meant outside.

Me: I don’t live outside.



Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you


“bob is coming over for dinner”

“bob from work or bob who likes having sex with doors?”

(loud banging on the front door)


The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.


Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”


[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]


I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him