[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Spotted in New Orleans.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
termite twitter scares me
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57