What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
“We will wed,” I threatened
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.