@Tmoney68

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

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@DadandBuried

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

@ItsAndyRyan

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

@OllyiConic

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

@BoomBoomBetty

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

@_elvishpresley_

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

@conanobrienswyf

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.