Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

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Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now


If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.


When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️


*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once


Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer


I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.


I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.


Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? Means I’m turning into a werewolf! Right?


I was banned from guitar class because of an inappropriate reaction to “let’s practice your fingering technique”