Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
You Might Also Like
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!