Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
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You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
2022 will be better than 2021
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Social distancing in Australia:
This will teach them to underestimate me
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt