Bring back the McRib
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Buck naked
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
so i’m at the stock market right
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”