Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”

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I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.


God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]


The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.


My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.


On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun


Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”


You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.


Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey


Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point