@imadepoopstoday

Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”

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@amybethlee70

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

@longwall26

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

@Willie1derful

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

@Dawn_M_

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

@portmanteauface

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

@dhumann

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

@Mr_Kapowski

Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey

@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point