@imadepoopstoday

Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”

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@BreneBrown

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

@AndLookPretty

*Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy.

Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year.

Me: I saw it.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

@EJGomez

judas: yo
jesus: sup
judas [hiding crocs behind back]: would u like if someone bought you crocs
jesus: id rather be betrayed lmao
judas: wow

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@jwoodham

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.