My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
How to make infinite energy.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life