Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”

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Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.


[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”


*Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy.

Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year.

Me: I saw it.


ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone


judas: yo
jesus: sup
judas [hiding crocs behind back]: would u like if someone bought you crocs
jesus: id rather be betrayed lmao
judas: wow


Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet


The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.