@amybethlee70
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
@imadepoopstoday
Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
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@amybethlee70
@CharmandBrains
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
@longwall26
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
@Willie1derful
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
@Dawn_M_
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
@portmanteauface
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
@dhumann
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
@mdob11
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
@Mr_Kapowski
Obviously chocolate was created for women
It’s called HERshey, not HISshey
@TheAlexNevil
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point