“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Sign of the day..
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.