Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.

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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.


A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.


My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating.


My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.


Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet


Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day


Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.


Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.


So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley