kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
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If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party