ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.
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Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI’s, the cops won’t accept “tradition” as an excuse as to why you’re driving drunk.
The Onion called it…again.
Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”
– Albert Einstein
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog