ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
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Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Facebook memories be like
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.