Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Clients after you give them your rates
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
@ candidates for local office
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
jesus christ confetti not now
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.