Bringing home a sharpie
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If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.