*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”


Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man


Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]


Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.


I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.


Me: Not today Satan.

Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.


I’m pretty sure God and Satan are both women, because who else would hold a grudge for that long?


hey, a mime!
*mime starts having heart attack*
hes pretending to die lol
*mime collapses*
*hours later still watching his body*
wow hes good


I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.