eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband