*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.