*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
BRAKING NEWS!!
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
This bar smells like my childhood.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.