@not_delicate

Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?

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@rickolantern

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

@ArfMeasures

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

@KalvinMacleod

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

@JaymayAllDay

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

@WilliamAder

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

@upsidedowntrash

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

@AnniemuMary

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

@Mr_Kapowski

– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?