Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?
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ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
M: he likes music
M: we’re in a band
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?