@not_delicate
@rickolantern
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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@rickolantern
@ArfMeasures
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
@KalvinMacleod
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
@samalmightysam
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
@JaymayAllDay
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
@WilliamAder
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
@bornmiserable
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
@upsidedowntrash
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
@AnniemuMary
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
@Mr_Kapowski
– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?