*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.