[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations