@GreGooglyMoogly

*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight*

*discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*

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@RtrJan

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

@theshantilly

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

@RobertDuffy91

I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you’ll find a dead body

@matt___nelson

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

@NeverEnd88

My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.

@FinnMcIver

I recently bought one of those Dutch ovens, but everything I cook ends up tasting like farts.

@sarousti

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

@comfynumb2012

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

@GrowlyGrego

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit