Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
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The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
so much to do
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Become ungovernable.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
✌🏽
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.