According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
The three genders.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-