*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Not all heroes wear capes….
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]