*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
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People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.